I’ve recently been diagnosed with a neurodiversity, I believe the English term is “giftedness” or “high capacities”. I’ve been told this about a weeks ago, so please don’t judge me for any errors I make – I haven’t delved into the specifics of it yet.
As far as I understand it, giftedness does not necessarily mean high IQ. More importantly though, high IQ does not mean giftedness. Giftedness goes beyond intellect and encompasses more traits, e.g. creativity or affection. I would understand it a bit as “talent in multiple areas”. My therapist told me it also includes heigthened sensitivity to sensoral stimuli (think movements, visual details, sound, smell, but also hunger or pain).
I’ve been both surprised and not surprised. I’ve known since university that I was “smart” and “talented”. But other things I didn’t realize, e.g. that most people can inhibit their sensations to improve focus.
But I don’t want to talk about this. I want to say this: I wish I was diagnosed earlier. It would have been great to have someone help me navigate this world without feeling shit for drifting off in a conversation or needing to be alone sometimes. I would have loved to have tools to deal with hyperfocus, overstimulation and lack of concentration or interest.
A lot of this comes down to my parents (what a surprise). My father was extremely proud of his intellect, and of mine. To him, intelligence was a way to measure the value of a person, their goodness. It meant so much to him, was so defining of a person’s character, that I wholly rejected the idea that intelligence mattered just out of spite. On the other side, my mother has a certain disdain for anyone thinking of themselves as different or special. I have inherited this to a certain extent – I loathe when people self-diagnose themselves and be like “because of my ADHD” or “because of my [insert thing here that sounds like a good excuse]”. But had I self-diagnosed myself with giftedness rather than suppressing the thought, maybe it would have let me to see a specialist earlier?
I may need to reconsider now. I am starting a journey and don’t know where it’ll take me. Maybe it doesn’t help me at all to put a label on things and everything will be as it always was. I still think self-diagnosis is dangerous and stupid. You’ll confuse depression with Asperger or laziness. I hate parents who think their child is “special”. But at the same time, I do think my child is special and I’ll be taking him to a neuropediatrician to check. To be fair, I only think this of one of my two children. To be fair, I won’t go around the playground telling everyone how special they (my kid) are. I will think this in quiet and not tell anyone else, but I’m still thinking it. Should I hate myself, too?
I have a lot of self-evaluation to do, a lot more thinking and finding out.
But if you secretly suspect that you might be “special” (whatever it is, ADHD, giftedness, Asperger, …), maybe you should go see a specialist and find some guidance.
